Let Me Count The Ways/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show!" and now here's a man who doesn't just flirt with disaster, he buys her a drink. Your host, your hero, my uncle, red gr-e-e-e-n! (cheers and applause) thank you very much. Appreciate it. Bit of disappointment up at the lodge this week. We had our annual man of the year award, which I kind of had my eye on there. But flinty mcclintock won it, and I come in second. What did you win the award for? Most fermented beverages consumed at an indoor event? No, harold, this is an award for spending a lot of time up here. I'm really surprised that flinty beat you. I mean, you spend a lot of time here at the lodge doing... You know, being here. Yeah, well, flinty was here 364 days last year. Wow, that's every day but christmas I guess? No, well, he was here on christmas, but his brandy stuffing exploded, and he spent 24 hours in the top of a tree, and the judges wouldn't let him count it. You know, actually, I'm kind of glad flinty won, you know. Maybe it will make up for the fact that his wife left him today. What? Yeah. He doesn't even know yet. I guess he doesn't spend much time at home. Well, that's not very supportive. The guy wins man of the year; she's not even there to congratulate him? Come on, what do you expect? He ignored her for over a year. There's a lesson to be learned in there, uncle red. Flinty was first to lose his wife, but maybe you'll come in second. Don't be crazy, harold. Maybe I'll just go give bernice a phone call, eh? Harold? Harold? 928 -- yeah, okay, okay. ôôô kind of a wing-ding of an episode this time around. A lot of engineering involved in this show, I mean, we've got the other stuff too, which is pretty much filler I guess you know, but there's a lot of really good engineering physical stuff. So stay tuned and learn. Ah,resources has announcedl that anyone catching fish and then releasing them back into the waters of possum lake will be charged with cruelty to animals. Good to know. Harold, did aunt bernice say anything to you about going anywhere? She's not at home. I was just wondering. No, not to me, you know. I mean, why would she say anything to me? Weren't you home last night? Yeah, I was home, harold. Did you have dinner at home last night? Of course I did, harold. Was aunt bernice there then? Yeah, yeah, she was home. She made me turn the t.V. Off. Well, did she say anything at that time? Yeah, yeah. You know what? She was talking about bosnia. No, no, that was the lady on the radio. I'm not sure. You don't even know what's going on around you, do you? What was her day like? What was she wearing? Aunt bernice is supposed to be the woman you love, and you don't even know what happened at the dinner table last night. Well, thank you, geraldo. Well, as a matter of fact, I do know what went on, okay? We had stuffed pork chops; we had baked potatoes, loaded; we had candied carrots, and we had apple pie for dessert. Uncle red, I'm talking about what you remember in your heart and your mind, not just in your stomach. We all know that has total recall. Ô we love the words that weddings bring ô ô love and honour and a beautiful ring ô ô brides and grooms, maids and men ô ô mom and dad ô ô barbie and ken ô ô but one thing's true both near and far ô ô two words that should never join ô ô are cash and bar ôô it's time to play the possum lodge word game, and this week, we're playing for fantastic prizes. Mr. Dougie franklin has an opportunity to win a five-piece bedroom set which includes a bedroll, a bedpan and three magazines. Okay. Uncle red -- uncle red has 30 seconds to get mr. Dougie franklin to say this word -- cover your ears -- manners. Manners. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 30 seconds, and go. All right, dougie, women like a man who has... A quiet exhaust system. No, no, no, no, no. When a man is polite around women, that's a sign of... Desperation. Okay, okay, dougie, you have a person who belches and picks their teeth at the table... Mom! Let me finish here. Sorry. When someone belches at the table, that's a sign of bad ... Burritos. You're almost out of time, uncle red. All right dougie, when you belch at the table, your mom says mind your... Spray. Oh, disgusting. Well, only if you hit somebody. Come on, I got manners. (frantic bell ringing) you know, this current recycling craze has made me feel a bit guilty about all those years I never recycled anything except beer and my own cooking. So this week on handyman corner, I'm taking on a major recycling project. Now, I know you're supposed to separate out your pop cans and your newspapers and plastics, but that's pretty whoosy, small potatoes if you ask me. I wanna do something that's a little more impressive, I wanna do something big. I'm thinkin'... How about a city bus? How about that? How many pop cans is this one worth? I got this unit for 50 bucks. 50 bucks. Oh, yeah, a lot of parts are missing, and it doesn't run too good, but 50 bucks? Boy, our society's values are all screwed up. Now, you could make anything out of this. You could make a -- well, you're really only limited by your own imagination. Tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna turn this thing into a cigarette car. You know how they've got the cigarette boats where the driver sits way at the very back then the hood goes way out in front of him? I'm gonna make the version of that for the road! Yeah, I've already got the backseat to drive from, and I've got the big, long hood, except right now it's a roof. All right. I had to switch to the saws, awhile there, 'cause I cut through the torch, but I got her all set. She's pretty much done now. Just got to cut down above the windows and drop that whole roof down, and that's going to be my hood, then I'm done. That's it. Well, no, I've got to hook up the steering at the back and then the brake and the gas and the clutch, standard, then the transmission and then the turn signals, get her safetied, that's a wrap. And there you have it, the world's first cigarette car. Is she a beauty or what? Not much on seating, but you can't beat her for leg room. Kinda looks like a batmobile or something. I could be a superhero. (imitating 'batman' theme song) ô bus boy! Ô well, let's take her for a spin before they tighten up the transportation laws. This isn't a streetcar named desire, it's a bus called horse. I wanna talk to you older guys out there for a sec. Sooner or later you're gonna have to replace that lawn mower, and even that electric drill that you bought when you started doing your own dental work. And, you know, you're at the age where these are probably the last ones of those you're gonna buy for the rest of your life. Think about how long you've had that drill, and how many years that mower ran for you, eh? So what you're buying now are not power tools, they're future heirlooms. So if you want to be remembered as a great guy, get the best. Don't just get an electric drill. Treat yourself to a variable speed cordless with the extra battery. And don't just get a lawn mower. Get a lawn tractor with the padded seat and the drink holder. Maybe even emboss your name across the front. Don't worry about the price. It's not your money, it's their inheritance. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Well, I'll tell you one thing about men... Once you get our attention, there's no stopping us. You say that like it's a good thing. Oh, it is, harold. I mean, ever since flinty's wife made a run for it, a bunch of us lodge members got talking and -- maybe -- hey, maybe we're taking our wives for granted. And we decided to have a special lodge weekend, have all the wives come up and just do whatever they want. What they will want to do is leave. I don't think so, harold. You know what I think? I think they're going to want to go fishing. Why? They never did before. You wanna know why? Because we never let them decide what kind of fish to fish for, see? That's all changed now. We're sensitive now. We're new men. Well, then, you're gonna need new fish because there's none in possum lake. See, it's not about fishing. No? Just sitting in the boat talking about whatever they want to talk about... Cars, t.V. Shows, family. I hope it's not about family. Don't worry, I think they'll just want to talk about leaving. No, harold. No, no. We're turning all our cabins into honeymoon suites, harold. It'll be fantas -- look at this, I've got christmas lights, all red bulbs. And I'm putting these curtains over the windows. They're romantic and cheaper than glass. Why don't you just take aunt bernice to a nice hotel? Oh, harold, hotels don't have what possum lodge has. I know. If they did, they'd be condemned. All right. This here is kind of the antique roadkill show kind of deal, where lodge members bring in something of value, and we got dalton humphrey, who's kinda an expert on curios, collectibles and crap, tell them what it's worth. Take it away, dalton. Thank you, red. And with me today here is bush pilot, buzz sherwood. H-e-e-e-y! How's it going, humpster? How's it hanging? A little looser now, thank you. Did you bring us anything today, buzz? Oh, yeah. It's like one of those wind spinny things. You know, you get them on the roof of the barn, right? A weather vane! Okay, okay. Well, well. Where did you get this? I found it... Stuck to the pontoons on my plane. Do you know who made this? Yeah, I think it' a guy named swen. Sven? No, not sven... Swen. S-w-e-n, swen. No, you see, buzz, these are directions, like "n" for north, east, south, west, like the compass in your plane, you know, if your plane had one. Oh, okay sure. So what do you think it's worth, man? It's like a bundle? No, no, no, no. Not much, no, no. 'cause, you know, it's damaged. So, you know, I would just give it to me, then I won't be inclined to want to tell anyone about your little incident, like the airplane police. Oh, sure, man. That's cool. Hey, do you want to buy some laundry? No, not really, not unless it's my size. Well, it probably is because it was your clothesline. Heigh-ho, welcome to the expert portion of the show where we explore those three little words that men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know. Okay, joining me and uncle red on the expert portion of the show this week is mr. Winston rothschild of the rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. Thank you. Where our motto is... If your eyes are stinging, my phone should be ringing. Okay. Today's letter reads... "dear experts, every summer and fall, my wife makes fruit preserves, "they're pretty much inevitable," or does that say "inedible?" they're either inevitable or inedible. Probably both, harold. "how can I show her I really appreciate her preserves without eating any?" okay, all right. I find the fruit preserves are kind of like neckties, it's something you get at christmas from people who either don't like you, or are too cheap to buy you a real gift. Exactly. For instance, I give my mom's preserves to customers who haven't paid. Oh, yeah. It sends a real message. Oh, and if they eat 'em, generates a lot more business. Winston, you better hope your mom's not watching. This show? Not a chance. You know, another thing with the preserves, you know, you guys could be donating them to, like, food banks. Oh, come on, harold, those people have enough problems. See, no one said preserves had to be eaten, eh? And my mom's preserves make great paint. Oh, yeah. They are colourful, and they stick to anything. I use it to undercoat the honey wagon. I think you guys are missing the point here 'cause the operative words that this fellow writes are... "how can I show her I really appreciate her efforts?" oh, right. Okay. Well, I think, you know, maybe, like, you know, tell her the truth. Maybe you just don't like her preserves, but, you know, credit her for things that you do really appreciate about her. Well, that's a good point 'cause, you know, chances are, she's fairly attractive. Well preserved! Oh, right. Yeah, I get it! This week on adventure with bill, he invited me to come over. He was gonna actually make an elevator he had as his project. Yeah, up and down. Yeah, very good, excellent. That's good work, bill. He needed a clothesline here, so I thought I'd speed things up a little. There we go. You're welcome. All right. Now, I guess the clothesline is, I would imagine, part of the elevator rigging. You know, this is something for you youngsters, you know, something a little later in life and all through your life... You have a buddy, you go up, and you just do things on a Saturday or even on a Tuesday if you have my work ethics. This is something that brings a lot of pleasure to you. And bill is going to -- yeah, okay, I drifted off a little there. I think it's the medication more than anything. Anyway, he's going to hook up the pulley, this is the pulley from the clothesline. Hook that on to the beam over the shed here. You better make sure that's solid, make that solid, that's got to support the whole weight there. That was unfortunate. Yeah, she's good, she's good. That was good to check that out. All right. That's going to be the upper pulley. Now you need some kind of a -- he's got a wheel in his pants there and, oh, an entire cycle in there. I guess he's going through the cycle. Anyway, this is going to actually be the vehicle that's going to be the elevator. Unbelievable. See what you can do, kids, with a little imagination? He runs the rope up around the wheel, up through the pulley and down through around the wheel. See? Around the wheel, and it's kind of a loose fit, but as he pedals, it will wind up the cord, and that's the clothesline and pull him up to wherever it is he wants to go. Up where we belong, as they used to say. And the chain broke. The chain broke there. The chain. The chain. Yeah, there it is. Yeah, there it is. Yeah broken. Yeah broken. All right, he's got the chain back together and the handyman's secret chain repair. There now, he's all set to go, and away you go, bill, way you go. I am real excited because I'm not doing it. Look at that, eh? Look at that. Up he goes. Wow! He's slipping a little, but he's getting there. Third floor, lady's lingerie, weird guys on kids' bikes. They've got the whole range in this store. And when he wants to stop all he's got to do is jam on the breaks. Jam 'em on. Jam 'em on. Jam 'em on. Jam 'em on. There, the chain broke. Chain broke. Chain broke. Chain broke. Going down. Oh, boy. Are you okay there, bill? Now, you know, ultimately, in the elevator business, it's not the ups and downs that get you, it's the jerks. The guys are all fixing up their cabins for the wives coming up. It's really starting to heat up. We're actually making a little competition out of it, seeing who can be the most thoughtful to their wife, we're going to have a married man of the year award, and I got a real good shot at it. You should see my cabin. Looks like something out of architectural digest. Or, architectural indigest. Oh, come on, now, harold, it's unbelievable. I threw twinkle lights up over the rhino head. Oh, yeah. I got a couple of lamps that actually have shades, and since bernice and I don't smoke, I'm turning the ashtrays into snack bowls. Well, you're going to have to go some to beat buster hadfield. Yeah, he's got like shag carpeting and covered organ speakers and a lawn jockey that holds incense. Yeah. He's got the whole cabin done up, like, in that zebra-striped fun fur stuff. Gee, looks so cool. Looks like the inside of siegfried and roy's dressing room. See, now, that's too much, harold. See, women don't go for that, especially married women. They like the subtlety. That's why I've got just a single rose in a shot glass on that old hall stand made out of a cow's leg. You know, harold, I've got a real cozy fire going in there. Your cabin doesn't have a fireplace. Well, I'm being careful. You know, aunt bernice likes that singer, that jewleo icicles guy? Julio iglesias? What did I say? All right. Well, okay, I'm thinking I can get a poster, maybe a couple of his tapes. No, no, just be yourself, uncle red. Yeah, be the man that aunt bernice married or, you know, that she thought she married, or that she wishes she married. Actually, you're right. Be the other guy. Go for the other guy. Does aunt bernice know you're preparing this love nest? Actually, I was just going to give her a call now, unless you think maybe I should make it a surprise. What do you think? Well, if you want her to come, you're definitely going to have to make it a surprise. This is the repair shop part of the show we call, if it ain't broke, you're not trying. My buddy edgar montrose, here, has brought in something for us to fix. What have you got there, edgar? Oh, hi, red. I'm fine. Thank you. Oh, today I brought in this steering wheel from my car. Wow, had a bit of a car accident, did ya? Yep, and that's the bit of the car that's left. What happened to the other car? What other car? No, no, I mean the -- oh, oh. No, it was just my car, red. You see, I was experimenting with alternative energies. I was trying to harness the energy of the sun. That's unusual. Solar power's usually pretty safe. Not solar power, nuclear fusion. You see, I was reading somewhere that the centre of the sun is millions of degrees and the pressure is so great that it just forces hydrogen atoms together, fuses them. That's where you get your energy from. So you were trying to recreate the centre of the sun in your garage? Well, that was the theory. I didn't have any hydrogen, so I had to use dynamite. The hardest thing was forcing them sticks down into the gas tank. So did you get her up to the millions of degrees in there, do you think? I dunno. My thermometer only went up to 130, and then it just went. You know, I don't think I got it quite right. 'cause it was a lot brighter than the sun and a lot louder. Well, there you go, edgar. Back to the drawing board. Oh, no, my drawing board got blown half way to port asbestos. Well, harold, it's just not fair. I mean, the rules of the contest were set out right from the beginning. Well, I don't know, uncle red. These days you have to accommodate alternative lifestyles. Everybody wants to take part in this married man of the year competition, even the guys that are single. Old man sedgewick and moose thompson want to marry each other just for the contest. Yeah, but, you know, they're going to get the marriage annulled on Monday. Not according to old man sedgewick. He says he wants to have a family. It doesn't matter, I'm all set. I've got my cabin all ready for the judges. I got the lighting, I got the music. As soon as I figure out what kind of wine goes with licorice, I'm done. (possum call) meeting time, uncle red. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. I'll be down in a minute. There you go then. And, bernice, if you're watching this, I'm going to come home straight after the meeting, I'm going to just pick you up and bring you up to the lodge. I've got a big surprise waiting for you in the cabin. Don't get excited, it's only decorations. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself, harold and the whole gang up here at the lodge, you keep your stick on the ice. (applause) performed by caption resource center harold: Everyone take you seats! All rise. Everyone: Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Harold: Okay, we only got the one announcement tonight. Well, it seems that someone has stolen all of the stuff out of my cabin and replaced it with a bunch of junk furniture. Now, I'm talkin' about, like, my video games are missing and my thigh master and my retainer. Now, you can keep the chia pet. That's okay. But I want everything else returned to cabin 42 immediately. Red: Harold, you're in cabin 43. Harold: Okay, so there's no announcements tonight.